So, today was another visit with HF. It was a little more intense than my last visit (owing to the last one being the first session)
We talked about what happened when I was growing up, how I was treated and how I viewed myself.
I was helped to come to the realisation that how I view myself is how I viewed myself 20 years ago and that nothing has really changed – even though I thought it had.
We talked about my coping strategies from when I was growing up and how they have impacted my life to date. I came to the realisation that I use those exact same methods to cope with things today. I also realised that I have a jaded view on reality (I know you’ve said this Jamie) I talked about my anxiety fears with HF and how they have impacted me and how they used to impact me. It hit me that I am giving them an unreasonable amount of power in my life today and that I need to find some way to change it.
I also realised that I have given too much power to others in my life that don’t deserve it or have ever deserved it. I realise that I need to change this. I know it will be a tough path to walk, but walk it I must. I am in no way looking forward to it though.
I came to the realisation that there are only 2 people in the world that I fully trust with my life and that is Jamie and BC (I don’t name and shame/fame) This is another aspect of my life that is disproportionate to how the reality is. I was advised that in life people get hurt and it is a natural part of life. I don’t let myself get to the stage of getting hurt as I don’t let anybody in after some bad experiences.
HF challenged me to go outside for 5 or 10 mins amongst people (not a lot of people) and see how I feel. I suffer from anxiety and paranoia so this is going to be a huge challenge for me.
He also challenged me to tell the truth no matter what happens. Lying was another of my coping strategies so I wouldn’t get into trouble and get hurt.
I feel I am ready to give both of them a go during these next 2 weeks. We’ll see how it goes!