I couldn’t think of another title for this post, so please excuse that.
I am gonna be quite blunt about how I am feeling at the moment in this post.
So, the last couple of weeks have been really bad for me. I have been thinking of more violent ways to end my life. I’ve thought about jumping off a bridge, jumping in front of a train, getting run over on purpose.
I have been to see my psychiatrist about how I am feeling and he has upped my dose of anti dees to 30mg Escitalopram (Cipralex). If I am honest, I don’t think it is going to do anything to help my depression and these suicidal feelings that I am getting.
Work has suffered, i’ve had to take more time off on the sick. I don’t like doing that, but I don’t know what else to do to get myself better. This in turn has knocked my self esteem and how I feel about myself. As I am off work, I feel more of a failure and better able to live up to what I was told as a child. I hate that I am not able to properly provide for our family. What kind of a man does that make me?
Also, we are struggling with infertility. Jamie is coping better than I am. I am very angry with it. I guess that I am very angry at God too for allowing this to happen. Why are there other, less deserving people out there allowed to conceive willy nilly? What about that is fair? Nothing. I then think to myself, why should I even bother trying to do anything that is right – it gets me nowhere at all. I need to be the bad boy and maybe life will start getting better for me.
I am in a really dark place right now and I hate it. I just want to be out of it – whichever way possible. Whether it be by help and intervention or death. I don’t really care which at the moment.
I lay in bed last night and all I could think about was ending my life. I have nothing really to live for. I make life difficult for everyone around me. I am not that good a husband. I am not that good a worker since I am off so much. I am not that good a person in general. Life would roll along more smoothly for everyone if I wasn’t here. I know that for a fact.
I lay in bed thinking about how I would do it. Would I leave a note? Would I tell any of the ones that I loved? What would I say if I did? How would I get my affairs in order? How would I do it? These were just some of the many questions going around in my head.
I am supposed to give the upped dosage 2 weeks to kick in. I don’t know if I can wait that long though. How long must a person go on living with this terrible illness?