So, I was looking back through my blog and noticed that it had been quite a while since I posted anything about my mental health journey. I was shocked to see that it had been nearly 5 months and thought that I had better update my blog with everything that has been going on in my life on the mental health side of things.

I figured i’d start out with an excuse and get it over and done with (I know, shame on me!). In September, I started my final year of school so I have been quite busy and overwhelmed with that and it hasn’t left much time to do anything else.

Last time I wrote, I mentioned about getting a letter from the DWP about my failure to attend a Seetec appointment (you can see that post here). I got a letter a little while after stating that attending appointments with Seetec are now mandatory on ESA. I could feel my anxiety levels increasing as I read further. The letter also stated that should I fail to attend my ESA could be sanctioned. My only hope now is that Seetec don’t ever send me any letters to attend (I know i’ve jinxed it now by saying that). It’s hard to describe the anxiety that comes from being forced to do something when you are not ready.

In October, I was supposed to have an appointment with Dr B but I was told that I couldn’t haver it as he was off sick. The FCMHT is quite rubbish when it comes to appointments and getting things sorted. I wouldn’t be able to see anyone else as Dr B is the ONLY psychiatrist on the team at FCMHT. So, i’ve had to do without seeing him for ages now. I have been desperate to see him but haven’t been able to. I finally got word this last week that he is now back at work. I asked for an appointment and have to wait another 4 WEEKS until I can see him. Pssst America – this is why social medicine can be so wrong. When it goes right it’s brilliant. When it goes wrong it’s horrendous! So now to wait those 4 weeks to see him.

I’ve been getting quite stressed out at school – but thankfully I have some support there. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have that. As I said, it is the final year of my degree and it is busier and stressful than I could ever have imagined and I wasn’t quite prepared for it – I still am not if i’m honest! I have to try and take that one day at a time – which is easier said than done for me. Just ask the boss!

About a week before we went on holiday, I got a letter from ATOS that said I had to fill in a form so they could see how my illness affects my ability day to day. I started to stress out big time over it. I am a worrier and everything becomes a big thing when I start to worry. I filled in the form with some help from Jamie, posted it back on January 3rd and it still hasn’t been delivered and it was due for them on January 8th. I’m worrying about that now too. The thing that irks me the most about it, is that it was only a month or so between my appeal from the last decision upheld to receiving this silly form and only 9 months since I filled the previous one in. This government have it in for the poor in society and the vulnerable in particular.

I worry that they are going to say that my illness doesn’t impact on my life at all and find that I am capable of holding down a full time job. This is what happened about 7 months ago. The ATOS brute there said I was fit for work and said she had asked questions that she clearly hadn’t. I had the good sense to have Jamie there with me.

I have still continued to see Shirley from FCS and she has been a big help to me with everything too.

So, I sit here not knowing which way to turn and stressing out about Seetec, ATOS and the fact that I start my final semester in about 2 weeks. It is all very daunting – and I can’t even see the one person that I need to until after school starts! Grrrr is all I can say to it all. That’s my journey (I say journey, I mean hella scary ride) so far